InFEARiate

The meaning of the word infuriate has taken on an entirely new meaning to me then what it used to. "Used to" meaning before Jonathon. Coming off six days of blow ups my inFEARiation is still fresh on my mind.

When Jonathon struggles, behaviorally, I try to maintain myself as his caregiver. Years ago, I learned to take myself out of the role as his Mom and step into the role of caregiver when he is having a melt down. Why? What's the difference in being a caregiver and a Mom? A caregiver is performing a job. The job is too get through the crisis while maintaining oneself. If I were to remain in the role of being Jonathon's Mom during a blow up... as his Mom... I wouldn't survive. It's too heartbreaking to think that the child I gave birth to, held, rocked... loved... would cause me harm.

I've noticed that in recent times I've found myself not maintaining my caregiver role as well as I used to. The difference being, that as Jonathon has aged, fear has set in. Fear that could give way to reality. Mentally he is a child; physically he is an adult. The world is going to see him as an adult before they see him as a child in an adult body. When he melts down and the aggression controls him, fear can sometimes control my actions. My reactions aren't out of anger, but out of fear. The fear that the authorities will become involved. The fear that he will be removed from our home, which would lead to my ultimate fear... institutionalization.  During his meltdowns I just want him to understand the possible implications of his actions. I want to scream "DON'T YOU GET IT?! YOU COULD END UP IN AN INSTITUTION!" The thing is... he doesn't get it. Does that mean he will never understand the impact his actions have on his life? I hope not. I won't give up trying to help him... guide him to a place of understanding. My fear for his future is my greatest burden, but my hope for him is greater.