Grief sucks!

Ugh! I’ve unexpectedly found myself back in a place of grief. That place where the emotions are still so raw and painful, even after all these years.  And, I’m the one who invited it in. I didn’t give it a second thought when I dug out old home movies. My intentions were to find video clips of Jonathon over the years and create a power point, for a presentation, on how we’ve progressed over the years. I didn’t realize we even had video footage of Jonathon before the diagnosis and I certainly didn’t realize the sadness it would bring.

I found myself searching the videos. Where, when, is the moment that the autism crept in and took over? There has to be a moment. How could I have missed it?  A part of me wants to find that moment and tell the autism to F@*# OFF! That it can't have my child. The other part of me feels that if I did that I'd be denying who Jonathon is today. That he is somehow defective; unacceptable as he is... and I won't do that.  

I’ve always felt like I had three children, Lindsey and the two Jonathon’s.  Somewhere in those early years of Jonathon’s life, the first Jonathon, the Jonathon I brought home from the hospital… evaporated. I didn’t get to say goodbye. There was no funeral for closure. He was just gone.

I hate this place of grief. It causes me to question things that were and are beyond my control. Things I thought I’d made peace with, but here they are again. How do I make peace within myself between those two babies? I don’t want to give up one for the other. I want them both. I love them both.